I just had a waking moment.
After sitting in my bed for the past 3 hours, I decided to go downstairs and make myself a rice bowl with bulgogi.
My mommy has been buying this Korean radish side dish that I’ve been eating with everything the past few weeks. I’d make myself eat a bowl of rice just so I can eat the radish. Same situation tonight.
It was 10:30pm, I grabbed my iPad and headed downstairs. As I walked past my mom in the living room, she asked, “are you trying to eat something now?” I shyly laughed and said yes.
It’s the radish, I swear.
I came to the kitchen, grabbed a portioned sized rice package from the freezer (my mom does that so it stays fresh and always available) and started to make myself a meal.
My mom followed me in the kitchen and helped me cook the bulgogi.
I like to mix the bulgogi sauce with little bits of bulgogi into my steaming white rice.
I set up a place mat, got my side dishes and shoved spoonfuls down my throat as soon as everything was ready.
I had about 4 bites left. I took three more bites. I instantly regretted it. With one bite left, I decided I should be strong and stop.
I was full.
My mom had walked back into the living room, but quickly came back. I said to her, “I’m not going to finish this, even though there is only one bite left.”
She agreed that, that would be a good idea. I dumped the spoonful in the trash and soaked the dishes in the sink.
I came upstairs and laid back on my bed, pressed play to my Apple TV and continued to watch the end of Carrie Diaries.
I started to hear clanking downstairs. My mom was doing the dishes. Then it hit me.
Once I get married, I’ll be living with Bear. Living with Bear means I won’t be going upstairs to watch tv after I eat. I’ll be the one doing dishes! Or the dishwasher, I guess.
I knew I would eventually get married and not live with my mom again. I guess it’s just hard to make sense of it all after living with her for so many years as an adult. Even though she’s rarely home when I am, or I’m rarely home when she is.
It makes me sad that I have to leave her to live by herself. And trust me, I’m sure my mom’s not sad. She’s super independent and likes to be alone, I just feel guilty because I don’t want her to think that I’m leaving her.
I want to be married, I want to have more children but it’s a little more scary now than it was the first time around.
I didn’t know anything, I just dove in. Didn’t think about the next step. I guess that’s what being young and free means.
Now that I’ve bloomed into who I think I’ll be (mostly) for the rest of my life, shit is different.
I care for people more than I used to, I consider other people’s feelings all the time, I have a heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with Bear, that’s a given. This is far beyond my relationship with him.
Moving forward seemed so easy when it wasn’t clear. When it’s not written in stone, it’s carefree, it’s doable. Now that it’s really happening, I’m starting to worry especially about my mom.
And it becomes a cycle again. The reason I blame myself for my parent’s divorce. The reason why I’m sad now about leaving my mom to be alone because of the mistakes I made when I was ‘young’ and ‘free’. Everything does come with a price. Mine was being financially raped and ripping my family apart.
But here I am, thinking about the things that my mom does for me around the house. And soon it will all be gone.
Who’s going to do my laundry? Make my bed? Cut up fruit for me and portion it out in a ziploc bag so I can take it to work?
I’m growing up for the first time today. Things I never thought about in my life prior to this moment. All because my mom did my dishes for me.
What’s wrong with me? I just finished my period and I’m taking a break from the ring. I shouldn’t be this emotional right now.
Being accustomed to things CAN be a bad thing, but I look forward to the future whether I’m living with my mommy or not.