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speechless

I went and visited him last night at the hospital. I saw someone sitting beside him behind the curtain and knew immediately that it was a woman since the curtain didn’t fall to the floor.

I didn’t care, or at least I told myself I didn’t.
I pulled the curtain to the side and entered his space. I must’ve gave a bad energy because she excused herself.
I sat beside him and held his hand while he was sitting there with staples in his head. Half of his hair on his head was shaved off and his beard was growing in. I can see the white hairs on his face mixed in with the black and that is when I realized how much time has gone by.
He started to tell me his feelings which made me tear and eventually bawl. I had to get up twice to grab paper towels next to the sink to wipe away my tears and blow my nose.
he then asked me something that made me cry more.
“Is there anything you need to tell me?”
I wanted to say so much but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him because I was ashamed and felt guilty and even bad for what I was thinking.
I had so much thoughts running through my head.
If I had said something… it would’ve been, “I’m sorry I took this long to come see you. I’m sorry I didn’t call often and visit you often and keep a solid relationship with you. But you have to understand, I have 3 jobs and I’m tired. If I can spend an extra ten minutes at home doing nothing, I’d rather do that. I know it’s not your fault, but there is a little part of me that hates what happened and I think I subconsciously blame it on you and her. I can’t help the way I feel and I feel like no one is there for me but me, so hate me for being selfish but I’ve been busy.”
I hate this feeling right now.
The worst part was I cried all the way home in my car. From Carson to Irvine, and that’s a long drive.
I called my bf on the way home and he asked how I was doing and how he was doing but I didn’t even want to talk about it. It’s like I wanted to delete what happened at the hospital and never think about it again.
I have no idea why I couldn’t talk freely with him. I was given the chance and I blew it.
I got home and my bf kept asking and I refused to talk about it. He didn’t understand why I was acting the way it did, but even thinking about it made me burst out in tears. I hate this feeling.
Will I ever tell him what I wanted to at the hospital? I don’t know, maybe I need to grow up a little more and be confident with my feelings before I start talking.

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