I think it’s more detrimental when it’s a friendship though.
Recently, well not recently I guess in adult years… She and I had an uh oh moment. When it initially happened, I questioned it but it was in the matter of seconds I stopped. It only started to bother me when everyone around me was upset about it. Well, first Bear. He was the only one that mattered I guess. When he did say something to me, I questioned it again. We discussed it but it wasn’t settling. I asked other people about my feelings and if it was valid and the response was yes, from all. Well, all the people I asked. I guess my point it we tried to resolve it and I felt a little (I hate using slang) salty. Every time we hung out after that it didn’t feel natural. I even started to feel like she was always trying to one up me and was being competitive. Or she was always like that, but it never occurred to me because there had been no incident before. The incident changed everything. Overnight. Snap of a finger.
It made me question myself. I couldn’t believe that would be the reason and I wondered “am I the one that feels competitive towards her?” My instant reaction was to question my character. Reflect on myself and really try to figure out the reasoning behind all this. I approached her. But there was no response. Another try at our friendship, I brought up the fact that the thought of being jealous of her crossed my mind. Well my guy friend SL asked that. I knew I wasn’t but hearing it from a friend after o told him what had happened, I sat on it.
The funny thing is, we both (or I clearly know that we both) know that that’s not the case. In no way am I jealous of her or would assume she is. When I said it to her, it was in light of the situation, as a joke. I don’t know if she knew.
Who knows if I am or not, I don’t think I have any reason to be jealous of a friend. I loved her like a sister and we had a lot of fun together. It just stopped and I’m still thinking about it here and there.
I felt the need to blog about it because no matter how much I talk to my friends about what I’m going through… It just doesn’t seem as clear as writing it.
I wish her the best and wonder if she’s doing well. It’s disheartening.
Life goes on though!