Last night before I fell asleep, I thought about calling Tyler today. I wondered why he hadn’t called me often, now that he had a cell phone. Then I realized, I could call him!
I always asked Tyler to call me during the week and he would forget most of the time. I understood, he was busy with his life in OC. It was painful to think that he wouldn’t be thinking of me as I would of him throughout the week. Every weekend if he didn’t call, I would get upset and scold him. (Totally not the right thing to do). I didn’t mean to make him think I was upset, I just wanted to express how sad I was when I didn’t facetime or talk to him for about five to six days, or sometimes even more. I wanted him to understand that it was hurtful because it seemed like he would completely forget about me when I dropped him off Sunday evenings.
Today, I called Tyler. As the phone rang, I told myself that I would answer his call any and every time he called. His phone went to voicemail. I sent him a text message.
me: Hello handsome! I just called to say hello and to see how you were doing. I miss you! (old photo of Tyler attached)
about 45 minutes later
tyler: Hi, i will call you a little later because I am helping out at the studio. haha such an old picture.
As I was texting with him, I couldn’t believe how fast the time had gone. Here I am texting with the little baby that came out of me and he’s telling me that he can’t talk now and that he’ll call me later. I couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt. The bigger he grows, the worse I feel. I’ve missed so much of his childhood and though I’m grateful to have an ex husband that is hands on, the hardest part about having a child with someone else is the pain and regret that is never ending. And for those of you who like to assume, I will clarity, the regret is not about the separation, but the lack of presence in Tyler’s life. I know I am at fault but the circumstances did not allow for me to do as much as I wanted.
I know no matter how much I’ve done or do to make it up, it will never satisfy me, as a mother. I can’t even write this post without tearing and I wish I could hold onto this feeling at all times but it doesn’t stay with me. When I do pick up Tyler for the weekend, everything goes back to normal, as if he lives with me FT. I get annoyed, we’re doing our own thing even when we’re at home and it’s just normal.
I want and need to show Tyler how much I love him and how sorry I am because I can’t have him grow into his teens and resent me or grow to hate me. And sometimes I do feel like he does. I know, communication. I need to tell him. Talk to him. Love him. And especially, be very patient.
Divorce was hard. Having a baby was hard. Raising a child is the most difficult thing I’ll ever do. No amount of money in the world is worth as much as raising a kid who turns out to be a good person.