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#TylerDay #Football

Tyler’s 2nd to last football game and I had to go since I barely saw him in October. My son is so athletic and quick. He may be small but he is aggressive and loves sports. He dreams to be a pro football player one day and though I may not wish that upon my child, I guess I will support him. My worry will be that he will get hurt and be out of commission for the rest of his life! We’ll see if he likes it in high school. Being small, he may not like getting shoved around when flags aren’t involved.

 

#Bye

Always a bittersweet moment. I love having him around and miss him dearly as soon as I drop him off but then again I look forward to some alone time. But no matter what, Tyler is always on my mind. I am always thinking of him every minute of the day, wondering how he’s doing or what he’s doing and thinking about if he’s thinking of me too… the best part about being apart is when he texts or calls me!

Texting Tyler #GoogleTranslate

Tyler figured out how to communicate with my mom while he was at his dad’s house. Google Translate. He’s been texting my mom and it’s been so funny! He doesn’t realize that he’s speaking very formally. My mom’s response is funnier, letter, she meant later. LOL

#PartTimeMom Struggle #10

Last night before I fell asleep, I thought about calling Tyler today. I wondered why he hadn’t called me often, now that he had a cell phone. Then I realized, I could call him!

I always asked Tyler to call me during the week and he would forget most of the time. I understood, he was busy with his life in OC. It was painful to think that he wouldn’t be thinking of me as I would of him throughout the week. Every weekend if he didn’t call, I would get upset and scold him. (Totally not the right thing to do). I didn’t mean to make him think I was upset, I just wanted to express how sad I was when I didn’t facetime or talk to him for about five to six days, or sometimes even more. I wanted him to understand that it was hurtful because it seemed like he would completely forget about me when I dropped him off Sunday evenings.

Today, I called Tyler. As the phone rang, I told myself that I would answer his call any and every time he called. His phone went to voicemail. I sent him a text message.

me: Hello handsome! I just called to say hello and to see how you were doing. I miss you! (old photo of Tyler attached)

about 45 minutes later

tyler: Hi, i will call you a little later because I am helping out at the studio. haha such an old picture.

me: Okay!

As I was texting with him, I couldn’t believe how fast the time had gone. Here I am texting with the little baby that came out of me and he’s telling me that he can’t talk now and that he’ll call me later. I couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt. The bigger he grows, the worse I feel. I’ve missed so much of his childhood and though I’m grateful to have an ex husband that is hands on, the hardest part about having a child with someone else is the pain and regret that is never ending. And for those of you who like to assume, I will clarity, the regret is not about the separation, but the lack of presence in Tyler’s life. I know I am at fault but the circumstances did not allow for me to do as much as I wanted.

I know no matter how much I’ve done or do to make it up, it will never satisfy me, as a mother. I can’t even write this post without tearing and I wish I could hold onto this feeling at all times but it doesn’t stay with me. When I do pick up Tyler for the weekend, everything goes back to normal, as if he lives with me FT. I get annoyed, we’re doing our own thing even when we’re at home and it’s just normal.

I want and need to show Tyler how much I love him and how sorry I am because I can’t have him grow into his teens and resent me or grow to hate me. And sometimes I do feel like he does. I know, communication. I need to tell him. Talk to him. Love him. And especially, be very patient.

Divorce was hard. Having a baby was hard. Raising a child is the most difficult thing I’ll ever do. No amount of money in the world is worth as much as raising a kid who turns out to be a good person.

Just the two of us!

He spent the weekend with his daddy on Halloween because he always has an event for work with kids.

I decided to visit my little man on Sunday because it’s been way too long.

Something always seem to come up and me being the nice person that I am, I always allow him to take him for the weekend. That means less time with me, but I don’t realize the affect it has on our relationship and on me until I see him.

This Sunday was the worst for me. I broke down crying because I felt so out of touch with my son. I felt like a babysitter and I felt distant.

I just have to be more stern about the weekends now. I can’t afford to lose time with him especially with him going into the teens soon and hitting puberty. I need him to be my little boy and know that I’m here for him.

I didn’t think it would be this way, but it just keeps getting harder and harder.

I probably cried all day Sunday. From the second I picked him up til I got home. The movie we watched didn’t help either. I teared up a few times when they were talking about mommy stuff, family stuff…life.

I just have to figure out how to spend more time with him…

Living far from my son is too hard.

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#QuestionADay for Kids

I think I want to get this for Tyler…

I’m finding the #QuestionADay #Challenge to be very therapeutic and great with self realizations.

I look forward to reading the next question and sharing it out loud.

I think it can help Tyler with being able to communicate more efficiently and share his stories written or verbal with me.

Q&A a Day for Kids: A Three-Year Journal

download (1)

#howtobeasinglemom

Open the lines of communication with your child. That is the only thing that will save the relationship.

Bad Mother

Every time I want to get Tyler shoes, I have to text my ex-husband for his shoe size. Just recently, he told me Tyler was a size 3, so I got him a size 3. Guess what! It was too big.

Vans Camo Slip On

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He grows uncontrollably and I can’t keep up. It’s crazy how time flies because he’s already starting the 5th grade and soon he won’t let me be in the bathroom when he showers. He already doesn’t want to kiss me in public. 🙁

NORDSTROM.com has the best Back to School stuff for kids! Although I don’t need to get so much since he’s with me during the weekends, I still want to get him another pair of shoes that will actually fit him!

I’m thinking of getting another pair for Tyler since he currently does not have any shoes to wear. (His old one is too small) 🙁

Thinking of getting these:

‘Star Wars™ – Darth Vader’ Special Edition Slip-On

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#DailyDeal

Whenever Tyler falls asleep in the backseat of my car, I feel bad that he has to wake up to a sore neck. Another important factor is that when he leans over to the center, it is not safe if I were to get into an accident!

I saw this deal and had to share to all the mommies!

This is perfect for our children!

Auto Seat-Belt Pillow

KID

For Tyler

His feet grow so fast. The crazy part is because I don’t see him daily it feels like it grows at a lightening speed! He just informed me that the last pair of Vans I got him are snug so I decided to get him new shoes. Although I’d like to get him multiple pairs at once, I don’t know if I want to risk the chance of his feet growing out of them without any use.

Next Up!


Youth Faxon II Casual Shoe by Polo Ralph Lauren – Gray

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Being a part time parent has been rough. All I want is for Tyler to grow up knowing and remembering that I loved him exponentially. Even though I didn’t want to show my love by buying him things (because that’s what my parents did), I know that he will understand my actions as he grows up. It’s a struggle for me since my time is limited to weekends and not because it’s legally set that way. We have a 50/50 custody agreement. Well, 51/49 for tax purposes, favoring me. But I had to put Tyler first. His life with his dad is better suited for him now with his new family growing and I’m just settling into mine. I know in the future, we will live closer and he’ll be able to come back and forth without interrupting his school and my work schedule. I’d love for him to spend the night so I can take him to school in the am and pack him lunch.

Things like purchasing a pair of shoes may be minuscule to some parents, but to me it’s a realization of how fast time is growing and how little time I have with baby Tyler. Everything I do, I do it for him.

#FamilyDay

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Walked over to the theater at LA Live to watch Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy. Or is it Guardian? Whatever, we were sweating by the time we got here.

I had on jeans and a sweater cause the theater gets colds.

Apparently I didn’t think about the walk.

It’s humid in Los Angeles today, blah!

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