Always a bittersweet moment. I love having him around and miss him dearly as soon as I drop him off but then again I look forward to some alone time. But no matter what, Tyler is always on my mind. I am always thinking of him every minute of the day, wondering how he’s doing or what he’s doing and thinking about if he’s thinking of me too… the best part about being apart is when he texts or calls me!
Or maybe it’s my friends and I.
I was lying in bed the other day and I was recapping the day and how I behaved throughout.
Luckily, I’m in a relationship with a really patient MAN who lets me be.
It wasn’t until recently that I was informed of my controlling behavior (to my face).
I always knew I had a strong personality but I had always been with men who had stronger ones so I never realized how strong mine was.
Or maybe because I was deprived from my natural habitat from been shut down by these men that I’m more controlling now?
Because Bear has told me in a kind and respectful way, I catch myself being neurotic and I try to control my controlling-ness. 😛
Especially when he drives. I get so frustrated by the way he drives, how and when he brakes, merge lanes, stop at lights and well, just about everything. (I’m such a better driver, he admitted to me)
I get frustrated when I ask him to do things and he does it the slow/long way. That’s when I realize, I should have just done it myself.
Never Rarely does he complain or get upset at me.
I know this character of mine may be categorized as…
The theory describes “Type A” individuals as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving “workaholics” who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.
I also find myself doing the same thing to Tyler. I get irritated by the way he eats, acts and does things because it’s not the way I want him to do it.
It’s been a struggle for me after coming to this realization because I know and fully understand that I have to let Tyler be the way he is so he can grow up to be a healthy (mentally and physically) boy. He can’t have some Korean mom be a Nazi and tell him what to do! He’ll grow up with issues, women issues. 🙁
As for Bear, he loves me so I don’t expect to change for him. 😛 JK, Obviously, if I’m changing my control levels for Tyler, it’ll be a change in my life, all around.
I just need to accept that everyone isn’t as quick, observant, intuitive and perfect like me! 😛
I was having a conversation with Terry the other day and she was explaining to me how she likes guys to be controlling and to take care of everything. I thought to myself, “so do I!”
Well, if I’m going to have some guy take control and take care of everything (even if it’s half assed) I’d better start letting go of a lot of stufffffssss!
His feet grow so fast. The crazy part is because I don’t see him daily it feels like it grows at a lightening speed! He just informed me that the last pair of Vans I got him are snug so I decided to get him new shoes. Although I’d like to get him multiple pairs at once, I don’t know if I want to risk the chance of his feet growing out of them without any use.
Being a part time parent has been rough. All I want is for Tyler to grow up knowing and remembering that I loved him exponentially. Even though I didn’t want to show my love by buying him things (because that’s what my parents did), I know that he will understand my actions as he grows up. It’s a struggle for me since my time is limited to weekends and not because it’s legally set that way. We have a 50/50 custody agreement. Well, 51/49 for tax purposes, favoring me. But I had to put Tyler first. His life with his dad is better suited for him now with his new family growing and I’m just settling into mine. I know in the future, we will live closer and he’ll be able to come back and forth without interrupting his school and my work schedule. I’d love for him to spend the night so I can take him to school in the am and pack him lunch.
Things like purchasing a pair of shoes may be minuscule to some parents, but to me it’s a realization of how fast time is growing and how little time I have with baby Tyler. Everything I do, I do it for him.