Since my life didn’t provide me a sibling and I’m not one to expect sympathy, I’m not sure what to do in moments like these.
I have a lot of friends but why is it that I don’t feel comfortable calling up the ones that are constant in my life. Are they just party friends? Do I not respect their opinion? Do we even have anything in common? The answers to those questions aren’t what they shouldn’t be.
Since I got back from PS, I’ve been feeling different. Jo made a joke saying how she wanted to be antisocial and I laughed. But here I am wanting the same. I don’t want to talk to anybody, I don’t want to see anybody and I feel very alone.
I have been bored with life and I’ve been distracting myself with social events, dinners, drinks, texts and television. That only lasts … until you break.
I don’t want to kill myself. I’m just feeling lost. I thought real hard about who I wanted to share my feelings with and I couldn’t figure it out. If I had a sibling (sister especially), that is who I would be calling, but I don’t. I have lots of friends that are like sisters to me, but it’s different. I went down the list of friends. “Nah, she doesn’t quite understand. Eh, she’s just going to tell me what I want to hear. Humph, she’s so busy.” I don’t even know why I was presuming their reactions when it hadn’t even happened, but I had a feeling that I wouldn’t get the compassion and comprehension that I needed….UNLESS the person was completely happy with themselves.
I guess, THAT was the point. My friends are happy in their lives, but I needed someone who was more than happy. Satisfaction, not content, ecstatic about their journey, life goals and their place in the world. Not someone who is just happy with the way things were and living day by day without any thought about the future or their belonging in society. I needed someone spiritual, a friend who was strong enough to carry my sadness, even just for an hour. Okay, maybe an hour was too long, only needed 30 minutes. I couldn’t think of anyone.
Or maybe it wasn’t even about that, maybe I was too embarrassed to share my thoughts and feelings and I was making excuses to not call up a friend. Maybe I wasn’t ready, I did need to gather my thoughts because I didn’t know what was causing my outbursts of tears (during work hours too, thank God my co-worker called out sick), the sudden pressure of misery. It’s like the Grim Reaper took over my soul and until I found the light to revive me, I wouldn’t be able to shake this depression out.
It wasn’t this bad yesterday. I knew I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I put my phone away when I got home from work. I came home mellow with a decision to think about from my project manager and I wasn’t stressed. I knew I wanted to pray about it and hope that there would be a sign to guide me in the position I would decide to move forward with. My decision to pray about it solely came from past dilemmas which I’ve prayed about and things somehow magically worked out. I can’t remember at this moment what they were but I remember praying. I was given until next week to decide. My heart is heavy, not because the opportunity given to me by my company but because I’m not well, spiritually, to make a decision. And I want to make the right decision.
What makes me most miserable are the things that seem easy to control but somehow, I have a hard time and I keep spiraling out of space.
In all honestly, in this moment, as I write my next few sentences, I feel a little bit better. It reminds me of the time that I used to blog and vent about the things I feel to make myself feel better. I didn’t have anyone then and that’s why I started the Xanga and blogging. I haven’t written in my blog in a while, in a naked way. I tend not to when in a relationship because my partner (at the time and currently) will always read it and ask about the post. I wish they didn’t, and wouldn’t. It really fucks with my desire to release my expressive thoughts. Maybe I need to change or create a new blog where I can share my thoughts with anonymity.
I’m just glad I’m not still complaining about how shitty I feel.
I feel better. Will I feel better tomorrow? I don’t know. Do I want to talk to someone? No I don’t. Do I want to see anyone? No I do not. Not even my husband. So what am I suppose to do? I don’t know. But I do have to get home now….
How do other only children handle situations like these?
P.S. I scheduled the post, went away and started to feel shitty again. I almost feel like the saying “fake it till you make it”.